My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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