the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
