her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
