I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
