dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
