my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
