so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
