I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
