That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
