I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
