I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
