she looked like the bat from fern gully.
even my farts smell like vagina
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
