Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
