Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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