We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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