If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
