Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
