vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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