I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
