fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
