If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
