I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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