Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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