I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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