insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The convent might be a nice break from real life
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
