last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
