She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
