im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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