a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
