You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
