I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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