i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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