Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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