I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
