I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
