Im at strip club and am horny
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
