if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
