I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
