I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
