He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
