Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
