It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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