Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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