I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
