I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
