Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
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