Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dick very happy bro
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
