I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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