The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Ketchup is God's man juice
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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