for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
