hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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