did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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