i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
