onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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