I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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