All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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