i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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