i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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