the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
